he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
