i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
