i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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