I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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