I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
