I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
