He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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