She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
