i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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