I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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