Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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