He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
