I didn't shave. On purpose
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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