I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Text me some of your sweat
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
