Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
