too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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