I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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