In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
this beer tastes like vomit already
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
We talked him into tasing himself.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
