Already got asked if we're dating
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
