life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
