god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
