Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
