Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
