Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
