planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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