she looked like the before picture.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
