Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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