Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
