she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
