i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
