Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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