i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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