no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
