Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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