I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
