Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
