Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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