So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
