You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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