don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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