seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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