The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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