i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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