Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
