no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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