Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
