I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Barsexuality is the new black.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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