How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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