I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
