How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm passing your future prison.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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