I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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